I have written and reconfigured this several times. (to clarify, I am speaking about our situation with domestic infant adoption. there are so many different kinds and the complexities of each kind are vast): people are often alarmed when they find out that we have ongoing contact with L's birth parents. it's not something I bring up, but in my line of work, it feels like a conversation I have often, as people are naturally curious.
"were you pregnant in the summer?"
leads to,
"actually we adopted our daughter."
leads to all the questions.
I feel like I spend a lot of time defending our choice to have open lines of communication with L's birth parents and that can be exhausting. even though I would like to keep information about L's story for her to share, I thought I would share why we think it's best for us to continue communicating with them, two years later. (no one asked for this, btw.)
ahem. we initially thought a closed adoption was the only way to go. thankfully, Bethany (our agency) provided us with so many resources on how to navigate the lifelong implications of adoption. something significant we learned about openness was a particular study about the previous two generations of infants adopted domestically (now adult adoptees) whose family histories were sealed and destroyed, who now live with psychological issues as a result of having NO information about where they came from. no names or nationalities. nothing. they were raised in loving homes and still wrestle very much with their identity. of course, with Jesus, there is the potential to be made totally whole (in spite of every trauma) and having no information is not to always imply lingering damage when pursuing healing. just because openness is an option for us doesn't mean that every family needs to have communication with their children's birth families. there are lots of scenarios where those relationships are toxic or even unsafe. the bottom line is, determining how to BEST serve your child is a question we (as do all parents) evaluate and reevaluate in every season; the reality of an adopted child processing how they arrived in your family is a thought that causes them perpetual processing. on the heels of the absolute horror at planned parenthood, I am so so grateful for women (and men) who find themselves in a situation they were unprepared for, and make the best, most loving choice for that child when they feel that they simply cannot parent, for any number of reasons. I know that adoption can be fascinating because every story is different and we all come with preconceived notions (and maybe a Lifetime movie or two mixed in there) about how it all works. btw, no one can ever show up and take our daughter (which I've learned is a stigma attached to openness).
we are still learning everyday. we are so thankful for you who educate yourselves alongside us and above all we feel incredibly grateful to God that this is a part of our story. if you read all of that, you rule. and, I'm sorry.
"were you pregnant in the summer?"
leads to,
"actually we adopted our daughter."
leads to all the questions.
I feel like I spend a lot of time defending our choice to have open lines of communication with L's birth parents and that can be exhausting. even though I would like to keep information about L's story for her to share, I thought I would share why we think it's best for us to continue communicating with them, two years later. (no one asked for this, btw.)
ahem. we initially thought a closed adoption was the only way to go. thankfully, Bethany (our agency) provided us with so many resources on how to navigate the lifelong implications of adoption. something significant we learned about openness was a particular study about the previous two generations of infants adopted domestically (now adult adoptees) whose family histories were sealed and destroyed, who now live with psychological issues as a result of having NO information about where they came from. no names or nationalities. nothing. they were raised in loving homes and still wrestle very much with their identity. of course, with Jesus, there is the potential to be made totally whole (in spite of every trauma) and having no information is not to always imply lingering damage when pursuing healing. just because openness is an option for us doesn't mean that every family needs to have communication with their children's birth families. there are lots of scenarios where those relationships are toxic or even unsafe. the bottom line is, determining how to BEST serve your child is a question we (as do all parents) evaluate and reevaluate in every season; the reality of an adopted child processing how they arrived in your family is a thought that causes them perpetual processing. on the heels of the absolute horror at planned parenthood, I am so so grateful for women (and men) who find themselves in a situation they were unprepared for, and make the best, most loving choice for that child when they feel that they simply cannot parent, for any number of reasons. I know that adoption can be fascinating because every story is different and we all come with preconceived notions (and maybe a Lifetime movie or two mixed in there) about how it all works. btw, no one can ever show up and take our daughter (which I've learned is a stigma attached to openness).
we are still learning everyday. we are so thankful for you who educate yourselves alongside us and above all we feel incredibly grateful to God that this is a part of our story. if you read all of that, you rule. and, I'm sorry.
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